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The Irish Times
SPORT Monday, October 19, 2000

Feds off to a losing start

1) Everyone ended up looking like lobsters except for Didier who had the foresight to bring some funny French lotions.
2) The ball kept on hitting off John D's head and arse and rolling into the net. Incredibly, this happened a Guinnness Book Of Records eight times in five games.
3) The Japanese in kilts, playing bagpipes, tossing cables, dancing Scottish dances, and eating haggis distracted our Scotsman Kevin so much that he tried to hit the band with the ball when he was clean through on goal.
4) The 7 foot German on the Swiss Kickers team, who I believe is called Franz Hans Beeger, entertained the crowds with his frequent expletives of Inglinder Schwien and the crowd pleasing line of SCHIESEN (Bellowed in a Bavarian Baritone)
5) Joe B's glaring and pacing of the touchline in an Alex Ferguson fashion intimidated me and affected my form while he was around. When he then deserted us in Kenny Dalglish fashion, (wanted to spend time with the family - at a party ?? he said) my play did not markedly improve. Indeed I got most of the ball when I went in nets.
6)Tokyo Irish have a serial killer called Terry who plays in defence. His methods of finishing off his victims are numerous but his favourite is the sliding tackle in a five a side game.
7) Eugene, as always, demonstrated to us why he and not Mel Gibson, should have played the role of William Wallace in Braveheart. Insert "Rip your fuckin head off" for "FREEEEEEEEDOM !!!"
8) Ron pretended to get injured just before his wife came along. When you are newly wed you just cannot spend enough time with your loved one. (Sorry Ron but the timing was extraordinary)